Browsing Tag

self love

DEAR YESTERDAY

A Letter to Yesterday-The Power of Letting Go

Dear Yesterday,

It’s been some time since I’ve seen you last. I used to spend most of my time with you, always looking back. We’d reminisce about the good times and the bad. Talk about all we wished we’d had. All the things we should’ve done and the chances we would take if we had another one. From time to time I think about visiting you again.

It’s in the moments when I feel lost. When I have no idea where it is I’m supposed to be going. That’s when your memory creeps up in my mind. The “what ifs” and the “should haves,” they come on strong and I want to bring you back. I want to relive all those moments that have passed.

I catch myself though, before I call. I realize really I don’t need you at all. And it’s not because you ever did anything wrong. It’s simply because there is a reason that you are there and I am here.

You’ve already given me everything you can. You’ve taught me the things I needed to learn. Without you, I would not have met the people that I did. I would not have gone to the places that I’ve gone and I would not have the memories that I hold so dear. But everything I needed from you, I already have. Going back to you won’t do me any good. So forgive me for this, but it’s time to say goodbye. I can not spend my life always looking behind.

The mistakes I’ve made when you were near, I don’t regret. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today had I not made them with you. And for that I am stronger. So thank you for all you’ve given to me. Thank you for all you’ve been.

Deep in my heart, I’ll hold you dear and keep those memories near. Forever you have changed me and that is your greatest gift. I will think of you fondly from time to time because certainly you will always be a part of me.

But yesterday, you do not define me. You hold the power no more. You cannot change me nor can I do so to you. Today is a new day. I can’t let you stand in my way. Our journey together is over now. Our path has been laid to rest. I’m moving on, but as always, I wish you the very best.

All the Best,

The girl no longer letting the past control her future

stars

You Are Worth the Very Best

Today is an amazing a day. A day I have spent years fighting for. One I never thought would come

I share this story today because I know we all struggle with things in life. We all have moments where we feel hopeless, where we don’t understand why things happen. Where we can’t find the strength to stand up after we’ve fallen. When you get to a point where you don’t know where to turn, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Do not think you are weak because you cannot do it alone. It takes real strength to come to that realization and reach out your hand. Don’t be afraid to keep fighting. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be able to see it right now, but it’s there.  You are strong. You are amazing and you will get through it. Don’t ever stop believing.

Four years ago I found the strength to start a new chapter of my life. And even though I was able to build a life on my own two feet, part of the life I left behind always haunted me. The “you’ll never be good enough,” the “no one will ever love you for who you are.” It was ingrained in my head and it began a battle within me that I’ve been fighting ever since.

Every time I looked in the mirror all I ever saw was that girl who wasn’t enough. I was never skinny enough. I was never pretty enough. I was never good enough. The way I learned to cope with it all was by developing an eating disorder. A disorder I have fought every single day for the last 4 years. There were so many nights that I cried myself to sleep because it had spun so far out of control I didn’t even know how to find my way out. I didn’t tell a soul. I was supposed to be the strong one. The one who held everyone else together. I couldn’t let anyone see me fall apart.

Three years ago, I wrote myself a letter. A letter that I promised I wouldn’t open until I could go thirty days eating disorder free. The date on that envelope got crossed out and a new date had been written on that envelope many times. I’ve never been able to read it because thirty days never came.

Forty five ago, my doctor referred me to an intensive outpatient treatment program as her last option before sending me to a hospitalized program. I looked into it because I didn’t know what other choice I had.

Thirty days ago my dog got sick for the second time. He spent two more nights in the emergency animal hospital and I while I lay there with him on the cold floor, I made him a promise. A promise that if he came home to me that I would no longer spend my money on binge runs for food that wouldn’t stay down for even more than a minute. That I would find the strength to get better on my own so I could spend the money on helping him. I promised him that I would take care of myself so that I could love him with all I had.

During the rest of the time that DJ and I were given, I did just that. I kept my promise and I loved him with everything I had in me. And now that he’s gone, I refuse to break my promise to the one being who loved me through all of the good and all of the bad. The one who loved me unconditionally until his last breath. Today, for the first time in 4 years, I have officially been eating disorder free for 30 days.

My dog will never be “just a dog” to me. My dog gave me the strength to save myself. My dog showed me how to love myself again. Something that had been taken away from me all those years ago. Today, for the first time in a long time, I looked in the mirror and saw the person that my dog always knew I was, the girl someone else told me I would never be. I saw me, and that was good enough. It was always good enough. I just needed a reason to remember that. Thank you DJ for being my reason.