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live for today

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Looking Back as the Snow Falls

I can’t help but think of home every time it snows here in the south. It’s so much different than it was in New York. When the streets were covered in snow along Lake Ontario, life went on. We would just bundle up, scrape off our cars and go.

I barely had any snow days when I was in school. The plows would be out all night long so the roads were clear enough in the morning for the buses to get us there. 

It’s not like that in the south. When the snow falls, it’s as if life stops. You get to hit pause on the craziness of your every day responsibilities and for just a minute you get to breathe. 

I sat outside on my balcony as the snowflakes were falling. This was my first real snowfall in Nashville. Holding on to my sweet matcha latte in my new Starbucks mug as the snow covered the railing of my corner apartment balcony, I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about the first time I saw snow in the south.

It was in North Carolina. The entire city of Charlotte was pretty much shut down for about two days and I had nowhere to go. Lucky for me though, I had 3 of my favorite people living in my complex. We stayed up until well after the sun went down playing board games and laughing. We had no responsibilities and no place to be. We were just a group of people enjoying each other’s company.

I smile at how amazing those years were. I mean who gets to live in the same apartment complex as some of your favorite people? Friends had nothing on us. When I was bored I would just walk down 2 flights of stairs and knock on a door, knowing that at least one of them would open. There aren’t words to describe how much I miss those people or those memories.

I moved to Nashville to pursue a dream. I’m grateful that I was brave enough to do it because over the past year and a half I’ve found out so much more about myself that I didn’t know before, but I’m not yet ready to call Nashville home. My heart is still in North Carolina. 

snow

This year’s snow day I sat in my room with a cup of hot chocolate binge watching Young & Hungry. It’s a far cry from my all night board game adventures. I have tears rolling down my face as I write this, knowing they’re in the past. At the same time though, I love the fact that I have those memories to hold on to.

I’ve spent a lot of time while living in Nashville looking behind me. Wondering if I made the right choice. I think it’s really easy for people to look backwards. That when they start getting scared of the unknown they wish that they could relive the good times. When life isn’t going the way they’d hoped they wish they could go back and change something because maybe they’d end up somewhere different. I’m right there with all of them. I’m guilty of that too.

As I sat out on the balcony this weekend smiling about a life that used to be, the writer in me remembered something. We cannot live in a chapter forever. In order to continue our story we have to turn the page. Every now and then we can glance back at a chapter in order to remind ourselves of how we got here, but we cannot stay there. So much more of our story is yet to bet written.

I can never get Charlotte back, but what I can do is stop punishing Nashville for not being the city I left and start embracing it for what it has to offer and be thankful what it has given me so far. 

We can’t be sad for the things we no longer have. We can’t be angry for the things we cannot change. All we can do is focus on today and hope for tomorrow. We have to hold on to what we have right now and let go of what we cannot control.

Funny how all of this came to me while sipping a latte and watching the snow fall. 

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DEAR YESTERDAY

A Letter to Yesterday-The Power of Letting Go

Dear Yesterday,

It’s been some time since I’ve seen you last. I used to spend most of my time with you, always looking back. We’d reminisce about the good times and the bad. Talk about all we wished we’d had. All the things we should’ve done and the chances we would take if we had another one. From time to time I think about visiting you again.

It’s in the moments when I feel lost. When I have no idea where it is I’m supposed to be going. That’s when your memory creeps up in my mind. The “what ifs” and the “should haves,” they come on strong and I want to bring you back. I want to relive all those moments that have passed.

I catch myself though, before I call. I realize really I don’t need you at all. And it’s not because you ever did anything wrong. It’s simply because there is a reason that you are there and I am here.

You’ve already given me everything you can. You’ve taught me the things I needed to learn. Without you, I would not have met the people that I did. I would not have gone to the places that I’ve gone and I would not have the memories that I hold so dear. But everything I needed from you, I already have. Going back to you won’t do me any good. So forgive me for this, but it’s time to say goodbye. I can not spend my life always looking behind.

The mistakes I’ve made when you were near, I don’t regret. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today had I not made them with you. And for that I am stronger. So thank you for all you’ve given to me. Thank you for all you’ve been.

Deep in my heart, I’ll hold you dear and keep those memories near. Forever you have changed me and that is your greatest gift. I will think of you fondly from time to time because certainly you will always be a part of me.

But yesterday, you do not define me. You hold the power no more. You cannot change me nor can I do so to you. Today is a new day. I can’t let you stand in my way. Our journey together is over now. Our path has been laid to rest. I’m moving on, but as always, I wish you the very best.

All the Best,

The girl no longer letting the past control her future